The Event

   So if you live under a rock, as apparently I do, NBC's new flagship show The Event debuted tonight and I had no clue this was happening until maybe 40 minutes before. As I was sitting here wasting my night away anyway, and all my summer flicks are on holiday, I decided to give the show a go in hopes of finding a new distraction. I guess the easiest way to talk about the debut episode of the we-need-to-pick-up-what-we-lost-when-Lost-ended show is to summarize it. I admit, I missed the first twelve minutes, but this apparently didn't hinder the show at all - here goes:
   Start with Guy on island with girlfriend all shaky and trying to propose, suddenly some girl is drowning and can't be saved by a guy with an arm cast! Proposer man jumps into the ocean and saves her. Now we're all drinking on the beach rehashing good ol' times of when this rando girl was drowning, everyone's friends, and then the soon-to-be-fiance girl gets a phone call. Her parents! They haven't talked to her in a while! Now everyone's drunk on a boat! Now all of the sudden our original proposer man is on an airplane with a gun and a guy is pointing another gun at him. Now the plane is crashing! Now they're on the beach again! But this time we see the parent's perspective of the phone call, they hang up and for some reason the parent's daughter (fiance's sister?) get's kidnapped, but not actually kidnapped, the kidnapper goes inside and shoots everyone! Now we're on a boat again and the proposer man thinks he and his fiance are in a room, but they're not! She's not there! He's just nuts, so he runs away from a security guard and calls...the airplane that he's on? Now we're back on the airplane and it's crashing and the pilot locked the cabin and there's military jets and inexplicably they can't function correctly and crash...or something, and here's where it get's good.
   Suddenly the President is in a house. Alarms begin to ring. In a house. It's a house with alarms, and they're ringing. Secret service men who were just chillin' in the garden come running in and whisk the President to his limo where his wife is waiting and they all turn around TO SEE A FUCKING AIRPLANE DESCENDING UPON THEM. Flash back to the plane, which is still crashing, and our main man is all "BRO DON'T CRASH THE PLANE!", because apparently he knows the pilot, but pilot bro is all intent on crashing that plane. Flash back to the President once again running to his limo and getting in AND THERE'S THE FUCKING PLANE!!!! DRIVE AWAY MOTHERFUCKER, but they don't drive, they just gawk, our President just gawks at an airplane heading straight for his fucking convoy and ya know what happens? Do ya? THE PLANE DISAPPEARS. Poof. There's some awfully animated green wormhole lookin' thing and then plane is gone. Next some dumbass security woman says "There's something I didn't tell you" and the Pres is all "!?!?!?" and she's like "yeah" annnnddd end of episode.

   WHAT THE FUCK. I bet you the plane disappeared into Lost and that's how all that jazz started. Ya know what I'm going to do? Start a show. It's going to be about trains. Trains heading straight for black holes. And the train's can't dodge the black holes because trains are on tracks. Everyone on these trains will be like "WHERE DO THE HOLES GO?!" and when they come out on the other side they'll be confused because the scenery will be slightly different. Everyone will get off the train and say "Where are we??" and the truth will be they're all in Tennessee. But they started the trip in FLORIDA! Spooky. In the end these black holes just conveniently lead to other portions of tracks elsewhere and the whole plot is actually just an elaborate scheme by the American money machine to make rail use quicker and simpler but you'll only find that out after six seasons of shitty plot twists and tons of conspiracy theories.
   Fuck, bring back summer TV.