Sunday, May 30, 2010

Anti-Pet Peeves

Everyone has at least some sort of pet peeve…something that totally
infuriates them, often for no logical reason. I have recently made a
list however, of my top “Anti-pet peeves”. These are things that
happen on occasion that make me feel like unicorns exist and North
Korea isn’t going to destroy the world.

1) Changing lanes without hitting a reflector
This has been a favorite of mine since before I was even able to
drive. When you think about it, it’s totally nonsensical, but I love it.
(After actually looking recently, I realized that it’s actually not too
difficult to miss a 2 by 3 inch rectangle, spaced out at least 2 car
lengths, with 6 inch tires.)

2) Sunny rain
Rain comes from clouds. Clouds block out the sun. How the FUCK can
it be raining so hard, and still be completely sunny?!?!!? Simple

3) When rappers completely change the phonics of the English
language in order to rhyme 2 words that aren’t even close
Jay-Z has his masters degree in this art. I’ve never understood how
somebody can rhyme the words “Car” and “Tomorrow”. He makes it
work. Another recent example that I heard is (Vince)”Carter” and “

4) When I go out to get food and the person that serves me/hands
me my food is of the same ethnicity as the food I’m about to inhale
It’s like the mascot for the restaurant is there! For example, a
hispanic woman serving me food at Taco Bell, or a black guy giving
me food at KFC. Or, a redneck woman taking my order at Cracker
Barrel. Can’t beat it.

5) When I see two semis close to each other that are carrying
rivaling products
For example, a Publix truck and a Winn Dixie truck next to each
other on the interstate. Or a Bud Light and Coors truck. It may just
be my simple mind, but I always expect them to suddenly switch in
to Transformer Mode and start a bad-ass robot brawl in the middle of
the highway.

There you have it…things that make my day better. I’m pretty
simple to please.
-Dr. Jones

A Quick Exchange

So in talking with my brother just now, via the interwebs because I’
m thousands of miles away, we got to talking about Megan Fox not
being in the next Transformers (3). Well, mindlessly surfing the web
I came across this little gem:

Turns out Heidi Montag is trying to get Michael Bay to cast her in
the next movie. I told my brother this and got possibly the best
reply ever:

“right off the bat you know she’d be good because the amount of
plastic surgery she has had done could create the plot twist that she
is actually a transformer herself”

But seriously, who knows what’s under all that bodywork.


Have you ever heard someone say ‘man, these walls are thick. You
could have sex with a rhino and no one would ever know. That’s
how thick these walls are’? No, you haven’t. But I’m sure you have
heard someone complain about how thin a wall is as they stealthly
listen to the forplay happening next door. Think about it - that’s all
I’m saying, think about it.


Ok I’m currently somewhere over South Carolina and I’ve realized
how great it is to have good headphones. A while ago I went on a
search for a good pair and everyone told me to buy this brand
Earcandy. Now with the brand’s hip grafitti packaging and lingo, I
was hesitant to buy them but man I’m happy i did and this leads me
to now. I love flying but something always worries me: babies. I’m
not a fan of babies, not whatsoever. Currently one of these
creatures is sitting to my right attempting to scale the great
mountain that is the seat In front of it (no idea the gender of this
monster). So what is I assume the mother allows this kid to climb
and then throws a blanket on him. Come on lady!! You’re going to
make that baby explode! But you know what, with little speakers in
my ear canals I can’t hear a sound. I’m merely an observer of this
ongoing struggle beside me. Man, babies.

Some of my Thoughts

So while putting up the Christmas tree ornaments today I was
wondering about something. Ornaments. Do you think that while
people manufacture Christmas ornaments they take into account the
weight load upon the Christmas tree branch? Think they wonder
how much bend their ornament will put upon that branch? Think
there’s an entire division of “Christmas tree stress testers” working
on this? Also, ever seen a Christmas tree catch fire? They blow up.
Not literally, but they go up in like five seconds. Who ever decided
to put little hot lights on our indoor explosion trees? Ya gotta
wonder these things.

Only Scholars in this Town

So a testament to the overwhelming intelligence of citizens in my
fine town, I just listened to a man yell at his baby who was running
away from him. The baby’s name; Namibia. Like the country. I’d run
away from you too if you named me that.


So while washing my car today I realized the foamy soap at the car wash was pink and smelled like bubblegum. What’s the reasoning here? Why should the exterior of my car smell of delicious gum? Whatever the reasoning, I’m pretty worried to drive by the multiple elementary schools in town for fear of some Dawn of the Dead bubblegum chase scene in which I’m forced to take action. That totally defeats the purpose of cleaning my car if I have to mow down little kids to get away because of the delicious smell.

Also, while continuing to clean the car in my driveway (in which i parked..get it?) This song came on overly loud through the speakers:
It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve only wrapped two fuckin’ presents
It’s Christmas Eve and I’ve only wrapped two fuckin’ presents
And I hate, hate, hate your guts,
I hate, hate, hate your guts,
And I’ll never talk to you again,
unless your dad will suck me off
I’ll never talk to you again
unless your mom will touch my cock
I’ll never talk to you again
ejaculate into a sock
I’ll never talk to you again,
I’ll never talk to you again

It’s Labor day and my grandpa just ate seven fuckin’ hotdogs
It’s Labor day and my grandpa just ate seven fuckin’ hotdogs
and he shit shit shits his pants.
He’s always fuckin’ shittin’ his pants
And I’ll never talk to you again
unless your dad will suck me off
I’ll never talk to you again
unless your mom will touch my cock
I’ll never talk to you again
ejaculate into a sock
I’ll never talk to you again,
I’ll never talk to you again

Nice. Thank you Blink 182 for that gem.

Guidos and Guidettes

These people have to be actors. That’s what I’m telling myself so
that I can swallow this show Jersey Shores . So this is The Real World
with a more narrow focus. I legitimately think I lost some braincells
while watching. Though, I’m pretty sure the American dream can
easily be rounded down to living in a big, free, house while working
in a t-shirt joint that clothes you in shirts a size too small. Pretty
down with that dream. Oh no, apparently they’re ‘letting loose’, it
looks like an exorcism. I need to go some shots to get through this.

I’m sure I’m losing man-points for this…

So, on an hour and a half drive through a bear (and no doubt, zombie)-infested forest, my magical shuffling music box decided to play
Mmmbop by Hanson (don’t even bother asking why that’s on there, I
have no excuse for my actions, all I can do is beg for forgiveness).
Anyways, I decided to listen to the whole song (I know, mistake
number 2), and I came to realize that NOT ONE word in that song is
intelligible! How was that song so popular?!??!? They sound AND look
like girls, and their lyrics resemble to random babbling of an infant!
Yet for some reason, I still have yet to remove it from my library…
-Dr. Jones

Death in a bottle

Never EVER drink a diet coke that’s 6 months expired…
-Dr. Jones


We have started a blog. For some reason we laugh a lot, please laugh with us; not at us, we’re fragile.

Here we go.