Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Babies vs Sun

 Your baby is going to drown, ma'am.
This morning I was sitting in traffic and I realized that something kind of annoys me. I began to realize this the other day exiting the supermarket but only today did this hateful thought come to a head. So, anyway, I saw this lady the other day leaving the supermarket with a stroller. The moment the stroller hit the sunlight the lady flipped out and ran to the front of it where she began pulling, struggling, I mean with all of her might, panicking to get the sunshade on the stroller over her baby; as if 35 seconds in the sun would have cooked her little potato. This began phase one of my "hating babies when they're outside" rant. Now don't get me wrong, I hate babies constantly, but let's get to phase #2 of this. This morning, sitting in traffic, I see a typical commuter car, ya know, boring, 4 door, blah color, and it had a sunshade stretched across the entire back window, a !!BABY ON BOARD!! sticker, and a sunshade on each window for the back seats. Are you transporting a fucking vampire child? I understand Twilight: Eclipse came out last night but C'MON PARENTS. Let's look at the facts here: 1) Your baby has a natural defense against sunlight: skin. 2) tan is sexy. 3) Don't you want a sexy baby? Talk about early grand children. When I saw this lady flipping shit trying to cover her baby at the supermarket I also witnessed her husband just kind of standing next to her with a "Who fucking cares" look on his face. And I think that's how it should be; your baby will be fine. Shit, my parents put me in an audition for Armageddon when I was a baby, which was sunny as shit, and I'm just peachy. Ok that's a lie, I wasn't a baby in 1998, but if I was, I'd have been on fucking sexy tan ass baby.


Monday, June 28, 2010

Miley Cyrus...yup, I said it

I'll get straight to the point. Miley Cyrus is 17. 17 is almost 18. And yes, I think it's time. I'm beginning the Miley Cyrus Countdown! 147 days until America's newest pop-superstar gone actress gone crazy (Brittany Spears?) is 18 and off on her own. I don't know how exactly that's going to go, but if she's already doing slutty things like these two videos, who knows what's going to happen once she's allowed to do that without being bitched at.

Here's something that I've recently deduced; Miley Cyrus=Hannah Montana (her Disney show character). Now, let's do a little switching around...stick with me.

((Miley Cyrus) - Cyrus) + Montana = Miley Montana
Do the same sort of math for the other name;

((Hannah Montana) - Montana) + Cyrus = Hannah Cyrus

Honestly, that was completely useless and annoying, but you see what I was getting at. Hannah Cyrus is a typical, unoriginal highschool girl's name. Miley Montana, however, is a low-class stripper's name. What I'm trying to say is that Miley Cyrus has 4 different alter egos! American popstar, Miley Cyrus; Disney role model, Hannah Montana; Unoriginal girl, Hannah Cyrus; and finally, wild stripper, Miley Montana. Take a wild guess as which one comes out once we hit that 18 mark.

Honestly, due to my short attention span, it's highly doubtful that I will ever bring up the countdown again. However, archive this post until a year or two after this little teenie bopper turns 18 and see how correct I was.

-Dr. Jones

Saturday, June 26, 2010


Dear really mangy cat that lives here,

Hello to the cat I have dubbed "Mange Cat". I know you're old as fuck and probably knew King Tut. I know you don't like me. I know you've considering cutting me open at least four times. And I know you almost died tonight. How do I know this? Because you were locked in a fucking basement for an entire day. What did you do when I came to save you out of your self preservative hibernation state? You got angry and ran away. I just saved your fucking life, mange cat! Sure, I could have chuckled heartily, even chortled, at the fact that you, my closest enemy sans NINA, had been locked underground for the foreseeable future, but my nice human demeanor caused me to save you. I guess that's why I'm a human and you a fucking cat. Fuck you, mange cat.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

It's Petpeeve Time Again

Here's two things that really bake my onion. I don't know if that's a saying or not but they fucking piss me off is what I'm getting at. No need for namby pamby word fodder here I'm going to get right to it.
Let's set a scenario: I'm anywhere, ANYFUCKINGWHERE, and its quiet. So, I decide to break the silence and play some music from my phone or computer when susie-mcfucking-sings-a-lot decides that's her favorite song ever, regardless of if she's ever heard it before, and starts harmonizing and humming along. HHMM hhmm HHMMM YEAH YEAH OOHH LA! Listen, Susie, I put this band on to hear them; not your fucking squawk box that you've so graciously honed while driving your Honda civic from stoplight to stoplight. And in the off chance that Susie can actually sing, one has to be subjected to her fluttering her voice like some first rate, teenage performing arts center opera act. Don't sing along to my fucking songs, Susie!

Second: So today I go into a restaurant and behind the counter the employees are speaking another language - no problem - until one of my "going to lunch buddies" decides she could converse just perfectly with them too. So she just jumps into their conversation HOLA!? COMO ESTAS PORQUE PERO Y TU? BIEN!!!!?!
See the problem I have with this is it is implicitly impossible to simply converse at random with someone in another language from a girl-to-guy (or vice versa) stand point. It's just idiotic public flirting that I can't understand and I don't like this. So this display of flirting devolves into choppy sentences and eye winking. If you're going to fucking flirt don't do it over my sandwich that you're creating. So everyone leaves, the guys staring, and girls a twitter about their interethnic flirting. Fuck you all, make my sandwich.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Nina Love

Dear Nina Love,
Fuck you.
I've never met you, and I hope I never do
When you cut me off in traffic without once using your hands on the steering wheel it was a feat
Meeting you was very far from a treat
I don't give a fuck about your big gestured exclamations
Fuck rhyming. Don't you ever get in my lane again, you bitch. 
Had you only noticed my over zealous taunting and middle fingering
I hope a hand grenade roles under your car.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

If you know me, you know that I have a completely irrational (fake) hatred of the British and more so of the Canadians. This soccer game that is currently happening is the perfect fodder for other people like myself to come together and hate the British. I don't care who wins or loses this game (because I know we'll win), but it's making some great talk. So, I didn't write this article - but I wish I did..It's pretty much verbatim how I would have written a "How to Hate England" guide. So, from I give you the guide on "How to Hate England":


Friday, June 11, 2010

So I have a very good friend living in Britain right now, and he loves the idea of being British and Britain as a whole; so I enjoy patronizing him constantly about it. I'm never super serious about it, and neither is he, so it usually becomes some funny FaceBook posts that our friends end up giggling about. Well today one of his British hooligan "friends" decided it was time to pay America back for winning that Revolution a while ago. Here's how to actual conversation happened:

My Friend (We'll call him Dennis): Tomorrow's World Cup predictions: Mexico and South Africa is going to be a tight one, but I'm pulling for the hosts. Uruguay to shock France.

Random Dude #1:  I'll say the same.

Desmond: Oh and America over England, you FUCK.

Desmond: And by over, I mean dangling our huge sized American ballsack in their prissy little tea gobbling mouths.

Angry British Guy #1: Hey Dennis. I didn't know you kept company with brain dead, no nothing, uneducated fools. Unfortunately he is the role model for why Americans are so hated around the world. Plenty to say about subjects he knows nothing about, He needs to stick to sucking dick and dribbling cum from his huge big mouth.

[ouch dude, hitting home with those British slams. So I politely replied:]

Desmond: Firstly, sucking dick and dribbling cum are American past times, don't you EVER question our way of life! We're a PROTEIN RICH COUNTRY, MOTHER FUCKER. Sadly, I've never heard of education and have no idea how to be literate; man, you've pegged all Americans there. Also, you're completely right about me knowing nothing about your 'subjects'. I didn't even know soccer was a game until 2 hours ago. I still don't even understand what fUtBoL is. Some kind of fake fairy game, right? Anyway, I hope you have a wundaful Briish day acroos da pund and smile when 'Merica wins the little ball in net session.
(oh and by the way, that last sentence I was typing with your accent. Because you guys have a hilarious accent. I'm seriously jealous, girls love it).

/and end quotation.

Making fun of the British is a daily adventure of mine. It's seriously a lot of fun, try it sometime - you'll feel unrightfully American, and that's a feeling we all can use. And just to bolster said feeling, take a look at this new Dodge commercial and sit back, crack a beer, and blow something up:

But let me be serious for a sec, I barely follow soccer, I think it's a great sport, I just never know when to watch it, but I'll always back our team and I really hope they win. We play Britain first tomorrow which is not going to be a simple game. Let's hope for the best, I'm confident we'll do well: Go 'Murica!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Crude Humor

First off, that title made me laugh my ass off. In light of the environmental disaster that has taken over the Gulf of Mexico in the past month, I've decided that the best way to make it through this tough time (besides actually plugging the well; that's obviously beyond our intelligence) is by laughing about it. BP has gotten a ton of shit about the spill, some of which has actually turned out to be pretty humorous. I've taken the liberty of finding some of the best satirical, comedic and parody pictures on this vast stretch of tubes we call the internet...the one thing the oil can't destroy.

What do people hate? If you said "Being attacked by killer bees while picnicking in the woods", you were correct. If you said "Oil leaking endlessly into our oceans", you are also correct, and more on topic. Well done. What do people love? Tetris and comic strips are the two correct answers here.

Sticking with the old-school video games, some brilliant mind decided to change up the water level from Super Mario Bros. for a modern day world. I bet that little gold box would jam up that pipe quite nicely. BP is saving that idea for next.

This one is fairly clever, although a bit childish. Pretty self-explanatory.

For those of you that don't know much about it, there is actually a satirical Twitter account that was formed shortly after the spill that was impersonating BP. This last picture cracked me up. I HATE Twitter, and will probably never have an account, but this was kind of a "Fuck You" to BP.
The Twitter account can be found here: It's actually funny as hell.

This one is actually just clever as hell. I found a lot of political cartoons about the situation, most of which kinda sucked and lacked humor all-together. This one made me smile a little bit though.

Obviously, comedians around the globe now have material to last them for a good while. Many of the jokes that have been tossed around are actually even worth repeating.

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." -Jay Leno

"The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.'" —Jimmy Fallon

In all seriousness, hopefully we will soon be able to find a definitive solution to this situation and begin to take on the massive job of clean-up. This is not something that is going to go away anytime soon. It will take continuous work over the next few weeks, months, and even years in order to get the Gulf and all of it's animal inhabitants back to a stable living environment.

On a happier note, this is why you don't play video games with your girlfriend. I'm just glad she didn't see the steak knife on the table!
-Dr. Jones

There's Only So Much I Can Take


I don't mean what the fuck is this guy, I understand he has issues, I mean what the fuck is this blowout hair. Seriously!? I only had to google the word "blowout" alone to find this shit. Now, I'm an avid user of hair product. I put some paste in now and then and like to have a little purposeful bedhead so I don't look like some boring cubicle worker, but WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!
See, here's why I'm perplexed today. Strolling through my local convenience store today looking for some new hair stuff (due to the fact that after 5ish months of use I finally ran out), I get stuck behind a guy that seriously had the atrocity above sculpted into his scalp. Seriously? I quickly realized I was in a bad place when I noticed that probably 34.8% of the people around me had the same hair "style". Now, 34.8% may seem like a trivial number; but it was scary as FUCK. So, I'm searching for some hair shit when I realize that there's nothing. NOTHING. It's all been bought, or just doesn't exist. Maybe they were trying to dissuade this kind of customer..I don't know, but I finally found something that worked and promptly left the place before someone decided to grind upon my celestial body.
So on my pissed off ride home I got to thinking. Guidos; this is not the first time we've blogged about you, and with the Jersey Shore tryouts in Florida happening this week neither has America.
But I think it may be a good thing to have these creatures go to the tip of America. See here's my theory.
Unless you've been counting on a nuclear war and living within a bomb shelter for the past seven weeks you will be well aware there is a massive oil leak within the Gulf of Mexico spewing McBillions of gallons of oil into the ocean. It sucks. And they're beginning to predict that there's a distinct possibility that the oil could enter some tidal stream and end up on the east coast like this:
Fuck that shit, dawg.
Now, you see, it's my theory that if we drop of The Situation and basically all those American Heroes from Jersey Shore into the tip of Florida they will be 98% likely to use the oil in the gulf for their hair needs. See, the typical American Guido needs a metric shitton of oil as shown by my methodically researched graph here:
So it just makes sense to send these already iconic human beings to go and save our beautiful country from the thing they love most: ridiculous amounts of oil.
Now, through a rigorous process of testing and algorithms I've determined that the before and after data of the Jersey Shore team's effect upon the Gulf oil spill would look exactly, EXACTLY, like this:
So I think it's a good thing the Guidos have moved south. We'll see improvement shortly, I believe.

Fuck, what am I saying, these blownout motherfuckers are annoying. Go stick your head in the Gulf and see what happens. Ugh. The only thing that can cheer me up right now is this video. I don't even remotely understand it but it brings so much joy:

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Becoming Reliant

We as a people are becoming way too reliant on technology in order to complete normal, everyday tasks. This has become so clear to me as of late, because my medieval, dinosaur of a laptop has finally kicked the proverbial microchip bucket and gone to meet it's maker (Bill Gates?). Luckily, like BP has graciously shown us repeatedly in the past few weeks, there is a back-up plan for everything. This is all being written from my nifty little Blackberry, currently my only source of contact with the electronic outside world. In fact, I just took a pause from writing this to reply to an email I received.

This whole situation got me thinking; what is the actual scenario that would arise if technology were to suddenly die on us? I'm pretty sure there are a couple different ways this could happen, allow me to enlighten you.
In order of least-most probable in my mind:

1) Technology becomes so advanced that it creates a functional mind of its own and we are unable to control it. Nanobots are going to be a main contributor to this situation.

2) Some country in the impending WWIII will create a weapon (some sort of massive EMP) that will be able to wipe out an entire nation's electronic capabilities, therefore, essentially all of it's technology. I'm sure however, that something will go wrong, creating a huge chain reaction that will end up wiping out the entire worlds technology. That is why WWIII will be won by the country with the most rocks.

3) Another Y2K...but not Y2K. This situation is actually factual, and is going to end up happening in the year 2038...hence the name "Unix 2038". This is essentially the same scenario as Y2K; clocks rolling over incorrectly and all that jazz. This is supposed to take place on January 19th, 2038, for all Unix based systems. The problem lies in the fact that all these system's clocks and timers have been run in binary since 1970. At 3:14 (am?) on this date, the binary will have completed it's cycle and start totally 1970.
This can be fixed fairly easily, but I'm sure it's going to cause a huge scare, just like Y2K.

4) This one is also very real. It doesn't have too much to do with technology as a whole, but with the global internet. IP addresses, those little fingerprints for your desktop, laptop, iPhone, Blackberry, Furby, Tamagotchi and whatever else connects you to the interwebz (obviously the last 2 were jokes) are individual codes, unique to each device. The scary part is...we're running out of them! It is estimated that by September of 2011, we will run out of available IP addresses, and no new devices will be able to connect to the internet.

So now you know my fears. This means that you should probably stock up on anything with an IP address, so that the slackers that know nothing about it will be left with nothing. If they didn't know about it ahead of time, they obviously didn't use their interwebz correctly anyways.
-Dr. Jones

Friday, June 4, 2010

Make Sure Your Pets Are Safe

What would you do in a disaster? You'd run for fucking safety is what. What would your pets do? They'd quiver in the cage that you forgot to unlock as you selfishly ran to save your human life in the immediate crisis. I say this because it seems like no one cares about their pets. Do you know why I know this? Because today I saw an entire pamphlet on what to do with your pet in case an emergency evacuation happened.
Wait, what?
No, yes, you read that correctly, an entire piece of literature devoted to informing one on how to save their animal in a crisis. WHY IS THERE A PAMPHLET FOR THIS?! Earthquake? Grab your fucking dog under your arm and get under a table. Flood? Grab your fucking dog and climb a hill. Tornado? Grab Dorthy and your fucking dog and hide in a shelter. Missile barrage? Grab your fucking dog and use it's laser eyes to shoot down that fucking airborne threat. Julia Roberts? Grab your fucking dog and startle her. Firestorm? Grab your fucking dog and Lassie your way through that shit 'til you're safe. Matrix? Grab your fucking dog, take the blue pill, dissolve the red pill into your dog's water, and trip out.
What I'm trying to say here is this: Yes it's a great idea to inform people on the proper etiquette of rescuing your pet in an evacuation, but if you can't muster the brain capacity to put your tiny dog into a little carrier and safe it from rising waters, or to get your big dog to go somewhere with you, you shouldn't be owning pets.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I know Dr. Jones just posted a bunch of his anti pet peeves but here'
s one real pet peeve of mine: people substituting curse words with
nonsense words.
Example: "Oh shittake! I missed our turn."
Come on now, if your going to waste an entire syllable to go out of
your way and attempt not to curse then just don't open your fucking
What I want to hear: "Shit! I just missed our fucking turn! Shitfuck!"
Now, this isn't to say I enjoy hearing people use profanity, but I get
irrational rage when people substitute.

Desmond: They're thinking about nuking the oil spill pipe
Dr. Jones: Would there be any negative effects? It would probably kill a
lot of animals.
Desmond: Oh def. There's a big I think beluga whale and some huge
eating fish breeding ground near south of there. It'd prob kill them
Dr. Jones: Fine. I hate belugas.
Desmond: They're a national treasure
Dr. Jones: Bullshit. They are not a movie starring nicholas cage. They're
a whale that can turn their necks. Whales can't turn their necks.
What are they then? They're demons.