Wednesday, June 9, 2010

There's Only So Much I Can Take


I don't mean what the fuck is this guy, I understand he has issues, I mean what the fuck is this blowout hair. Seriously!? I only had to google the word "blowout" alone to find this shit. Now, I'm an avid user of hair product. I put some paste in now and then and like to have a little purposeful bedhead so I don't look like some boring cubicle worker, but WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!
See, here's why I'm perplexed today. Strolling through my local convenience store today looking for some new hair stuff (due to the fact that after 5ish months of use I finally ran out), I get stuck behind a guy that seriously had the atrocity above sculpted into his scalp. Seriously? I quickly realized I was in a bad place when I noticed that probably 34.8% of the people around me had the same hair "style". Now, 34.8% may seem like a trivial number; but it was scary as FUCK. So, I'm searching for some hair shit when I realize that there's nothing. NOTHING. It's all been bought, or just doesn't exist. Maybe they were trying to dissuade this kind of customer..I don't know, but I finally found something that worked and promptly left the place before someone decided to grind upon my celestial body.
So on my pissed off ride home I got to thinking. Guidos; this is not the first time we've blogged about you, and with the Jersey Shore tryouts in Florida happening this week neither has America.
But I think it may be a good thing to have these creatures go to the tip of America. See here's my theory.
Unless you've been counting on a nuclear war and living within a bomb shelter for the past seven weeks you will be well aware there is a massive oil leak within the Gulf of Mexico spewing McBillions of gallons of oil into the ocean. It sucks. And they're beginning to predict that there's a distinct possibility that the oil could enter some tidal stream and end up on the east coast like this:
Fuck that shit, dawg.
Now, you see, it's my theory that if we drop of The Situation and basically all those American Heroes from Jersey Shore into the tip of Florida they will be 98% likely to use the oil in the gulf for their hair needs. See, the typical American Guido needs a metric shitton of oil as shown by my methodically researched graph here:
So it just makes sense to send these already iconic human beings to go and save our beautiful country from the thing they love most: ridiculous amounts of oil.
Now, through a rigorous process of testing and algorithms I've determined that the before and after data of the Jersey Shore team's effect upon the Gulf oil spill would look exactly, EXACTLY, like this:
So I think it's a good thing the Guidos have moved south. We'll see improvement shortly, I believe.

Fuck, what am I saying, these blownout motherfuckers are annoying. Go stick your head in the Gulf and see what happens. Ugh. The only thing that can cheer me up right now is this video. I don't even remotely understand it but it brings so much joy:

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