Monday, July 26, 2010

An Open Letter to Eminem

This is an open letter to one of the most annoying human beings on the face of planet earth: Eminem.

   Dear Eminem (AKA Marshall Bruce Mathers), let me first start off by saying how much I love hearing your shitty songs on the radio. Every time "Not Afraid" or something similar hits the airwaves, I know it's time to change the channel. It's like the DJ just saying "you should definitely turn the dial now, I'm about to play some REALLY shitty music". So, thanks for that, Marshall. But let me actually get on with this.

Eminem inexplicably lighting dynamite.
     I feel the need to write you and say that I am ridiculously fucking sick and tired of young girls and the occasional dumb guy telling me how great you are: "Eminem is like, SO GOOD. LIKE, he got over all those problems and now he's NoT aFrAid!" WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF? BEING A MILLIONAIRE?
   Ok, now I admit when I was a child I went out of my way to get some album of yours, which my Mother and Father promptly returned; and I'm 109% sure that that was the best parenting move of my parents entire life (and not letting me purchase Hot Topic pants with chains all over them, but that's another fucked up story). Anyway, I could see your appeal then: white rapper against the world, a fucking shit-ton of issues to get past, a divorce (or something), a daughter you couldn't have, way too many Mommy issues, blahblahblah. Well, this is 2010, buddy, and by now you've cleaned out your closet, got some custody of that daughter, and adopted a few other kids - oh and you're more famous than you've ever been. So what the fuck is your appeal right now? I guess my better question is how are you still angry? Or afraid, for that matter? 50 Cent got shot 9ish times and you don't see him all afraid of shit. In fact, he's reinventing himself to be an actor..or something to that effect. But, I guess I'd be pretty pissed off if I had a ton of money, my own record label, and an untouchable career too.
  Wait a second, NO I WOULDN'T. I'd fucking love it. My rap songs would be all: "I got a ton of money. And I really love honey. And I can afford honey because of all this money. The sun is sunny! Woooo!" And people would blare my music and be like "He's appealing because he's so happy but he's rapping! It's such a new concept!"
 But then I'd probably get addicted to coke or something and start writing some dark songs and I'd just be normal. Maybe that's what happened to you, Em? Are you addicted to the rock? C'mon Marshall, this is a safe place, you can admit it here.

-Your friend, and certainly not concerned fan, Desmond

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