You've Forced My Hand

This is it. This has gone too far. Mustaches. Mustaches, you've forced my hand; I don't like you. Not many people do like you. No man should have a furry man lip. Admittedly, I haven't shaved for a while and I've got a 'stache right now, but he's joined by his partner in crime THE BEARD. Thus, I don't look like a totally idiotic fucking stuck up prick who has nothing better to do than comb muffin crumbs out of his inevitably crumb prone mustache. Seriously. I feel like I've been plagued by mustachemen lately. My first run in came while browsing the aisles of the shitty American Apparel, where I was attempting to differentiate between what was for men and women. This ventured was thwarted simply as all their clothes apparently are made for baboons. Luckily I found a placard that would send me in the direction of men's clothes..until I looked at it and saw THIS:

NO. Nooooooooo. No!!! Kill it. Kill it now, and kill it dead. When i saw this abomination staring back at me all glinty eyed and wanting I left. Immediately. You need to do the same if this situation occurs. My second mustache mishap furthered this awful situation when I logged onto the news to simply see what was happening around our beautiful nation and planet and THIS was staring back at me!

IT COVERS HIS ENTIRE MOUTHAL REGION. One can barely call this a mustache. It's like a facial Great Wall of China. And all it's keeping out are any ladies that might talk to him.

to add a third degree of wicked, the problem gets worse. A while ago I saw a man with a handlebar mustache. It very much resembled this:

And when I say "very much so resembled", I mean it was basically this fucking 'stache. So, I inquired to the man about the creature which graced his lips and to my query he skillfully replied: "You too could grow one of these with some time and effort" and then he stroked the 'stache blissfully. I wish I could make that up but it's true. That moment I saw death; and it was a hairy mustache.

-Desmond